Has My Outlook Changed?

There are so many stories I could tell from the past 18 months about COVID that it would take days to type. Personally, I have been a nurse for 21 years and have seen many outbreaks but nothing as bad as this.

I have one story that has affected my outlook on this pandemic more than anything. I had been gone from the bedside for a few months due to illness and chose to come back at the beginning of this pandemic. My first patient came from triage with positive exposure and respiratory distress. This is what I had been reading about and have been preparing myself, or so I thought. He was a little older than me, on his 5th day of COVID, and severely short of breath. With PPE donned and respiratory by my side, we attempted to get his O2 saturation above 68%. We tried everything but intubation, but soon it became apparent that nothing we were trying was working. As a team, we decided to intubate, and my team began handing me an RSI kit, meds, and a crash cart through the door. It then dawned on me… where was this man’s family?? I asked staff and we learned that the wife had to stay at work and was unable to leave.

My heart broke, knowing that this was the first moment I would have to hold that proverbial phone everyone talked about. The next thing I knew, a phone was handed to me with a young woman waiting to tell her husband goodbye. I held it, listening to her tell him of her love for him, how brave and strong he was, that she would be by his side as soon as possible. I then stood there listening to him very quietly squeak out he loved her so much. I introduced myself, explained I would do my best to take care of him and make him feel comfortable, praying she didn’t see my tears. Once I hung up and I had to stand with my back to him to compose myself. The last thing I wanted him to see was his nurse crying as he was sedated. We continued our job, transferred him to CCU and I was on to the next patient.

I have held phones since, but I guess you don’t forget your first. He made a lasting impression on me and still over a year later I can see his face.

Starting in the ED 13 years ago, you are always told “Be strong, don’t show too much emotion, carry on with what you have to do, it makes you weak…” So many excuses not to cry. I think 2020 has broken that mold and I for one am glad. We have had many tears, frustrations, and anger over the last 18 months. Traits that Emergency Department nurses have, we are independent, stubborn, and hardheaded and we refuse to lose. I think one day, we hope to never have to hold a phone again, but I promise that we won’t forget the ones we did hold the phone for.

-Kelly Smith, RN